As 2008 stumbles to the finish line like the last member of “The Wild Bunch” to eat the dirt, it’s time to pause and reflect on the past twelve months. Yet, how to do so without using George Carlin’s famous “Seven Words” a thousand times in five minutes? There’s only one course to take. It’s time for the “2008 ‘WTF?’ Awards!
THE GOP BIG (TENT?) PLANTATION AWARD goes to RNC candidate Chip Saltsman who sent out a Christmas gift CD to committee members including the song “Barack the Magic Negro.” It was part of a handful of right-wing parody tunes with the umbrella title “We Hate the USA.” Saltsman is reportedly surprised at the subsequent uproar. Insiders say that he’s secretly relieved he didn’t send out his first gift choice: “The Songs of Al Jolson in Blackface.”
THE “I GOT A ROCKET IN MY POCKET” AWARD is bestowed upon CIA operatives in Afghanistan. In an attempt to win the loyalty of grizzled warlords, the agents are giving them the gift of Viagra. In an effort to win the loyalty of warlords’ wives, they are giving them running shoes and a six-hour head start.
THE “THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS” PRIZE goes to economics whiz Rush Limbaugh who, shortly after the election, declared: “The Obama recession is in full swing, ladies and gentlemen. Stocks are dying, which is a precursor of things to come. This is an Obama recession. Might turn into a depression.” He then forecast a return of zeppelin travel and told his maid go get more of his special take-out.
THE BOP ‘TILL YOU DROP AWARD goes to Lt. General Ricardo Sanchez who, back in 2003, authorized loud music to be played 24/7 for months at a time at Gitmo in order “to create fear, disorient…and prolong capture shock.” Among the artists on the recently revealed Git Parade are Queen, AC/DC, Pentera, Nine Inch Nails and the cast of “Sesame Street.” This past year, Gitmo guards began to complain of side effects. “It’s not easy being green,” declared one. On the plus side, they’ll be primed for the new “Torture Me, Elmo” doll due next year.
THE “DEAL OR NO DEAL” CONSOLATION PRIZE goes to Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich who was caught trying to sell Barack Obama’s Senate Seat to the highest bidder. “Blago” didn’t believe in the soft sell approach: “I’ve got this thing and it’s fucking golden, and I’m just not giving it up for fuckin’ nothing. I’m not gonna do it. And I can always use it. I can parachute me there,” he said, putting the kibosh on a future career in advertising. (“Hi. I’m a Mac. And I’m a fucking P.C!”)
THE ORIGINS OF FECES GOLDEN PLUNGER is awarded to McCain/Palin poster child “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher, who is neither named “Joe” nor is a licensed plumber. Currently working on a book, Joe revealed that being on the campaign trail with McCain “appalled” him and made him feel “dirty.” The proposed title of his tome is “I Don’t Know Shit.”
THE TURN THE OTHER CHEEK PRIZE goes to president-elect Barack Obama who, honoring The Golden Rule, asked controversial preacher Rick Warren to say the prayer at Obama’s Inauguration.
THE SIZE NINE BETWEEN THE CHEEKS AWARD is given to all of Obama’s shocked supporters who find Warren’s brand of Christianity as appetizing as rat’s ass-on-a-stick.
THE VERY INTERESTING – NOT! Certificate of Merit is given en masse to nervous investors who’ve recently snapped up $30 billion of four-week T-Bills that boast a zero interest rate. That’s right. Zero. On the plus side, the T-Bills have a higher rating than Bush.
THE PETA POUNDER PRIZE goes to the airline passenger who was stopped at Dulles International Airport when it was discovered he was carrying the charred carcasses of three monkeys in his luggage…as food. Honorable mention goes to Washington state’s Gypsy Lawson, 29, who was just convicted of sneaking a rhesus monkey into the states on a return trip from Thailand. The drugged monkey was hidden under her blouse as Lawson pretended to be pregnant. Worried Creationists applauded her conviction.
THE NO DOLLARS AND NON-CENTS tin-foil crown is shared by Karl Rove and Bill O’Reilly, who declared that the current recession is just media hype designed to bolster the standing of Barack Obama. O’Reilly asked if it all isn’t just an “effort on the part of ‘The New York Times’ and other liberal media to basically paint as drastic a picture as possible, so that when Barack Obama takes office that anything is better than what we have now?” The ever-sage Rove replied: “Yes.” They then both interviewed Leprechauns about the myth of global warming.
THE NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET, AND A GRENADE AND A CLUSTER BOMB position is snared by former presidential candidate Senator John McCain for his touching rendition of “Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.” Now that the campaign is over, he plans to take his act on the road, crooning such Golden Oldies as “Zeroes and Villains,” “Cursin’ Safari,” “Poop John B.” and “Wild Money.”
THE “DO THE FUNKY CHICKEN” AWARD goes to George W. Bush who, waiting for tardy Senator John McCain to arrive at the White House for a photo op, broke into a dance for the cameras, not once, but twice. “I’m just going to tap dance the day away,” Bush said. Oddly enough, that phrase has been on the Presidential letterhead for eight years.
THE “FANTASY ISLAND” MEETS “LOST” ORATORY AWARD goes to Condoleezza Rice who, this past weekend, declared that claims that the Bush Administration is one of the worst ever are “ridiculous.” “I think generations pretty soon are going to start to thank this president for what he’s done. This generation will,” she declared before being tranquilized and carted off to “Our Lady of Cashews’ Home for the Reality-Impaired.”
THE “THIS IS WHY GOD GAVE US TEMPS” AWARD is split between Amazon com. customers who made the “Sarah Palin Calendar” the most popular product in office supplies this Christmas. Number two was a pair of scissors. No word on the number three slot, but those in the know say it was oxycontin.
THE PARTY’S OVER AWARD is given to Fox News’ Brit Hume who retired from his post and hosted a farewell show featuring pre-recorded testimonials by both Bush and Cheney. Mussolini showed up too late for the taping.
THE “ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME” PRIZE goes to the Philippines’ Muslim rebel group, the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, which is having a hard time being taken seriously. Their acronym is MILF. Sarah Palin is thinking of suing.
THE “COVER ME BOYS, I’M TAKING THE HILL” AWARD is given to perpetually dour Tom Brokaw who, stuck in The Greatest Generation mode, consistently stated that Senator John McCain was criticism-proof because he was “a genuine war hero.” Close friends are worried about Tom. He’s currently having all of Audie Murphy’s old flashbacks.
THE “ENEMY OF MY ENEMY IS SOMETHING OR OTHER” PRIZE is won, hand’s down, by George W. Bush who has just quietly signed a strategic security pact with Georgia. Bush figures this will give Putin’s soul the blues.
THE “PARDON ME, NO, REALLY, PARDON ME” AWARD goes to convicted real estate Scrooge Isaac Robert Toussie who was given a year-end pardon by President Bush only to find himself “un-pardoned” less than 24 hours later when it was discovered that Toussie’s father was a big Republican donor. In Toussie’s defense, most white-collar criminals are big Republican donors.
THE “DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HISTORY” AWARD goes to all Republican pundits who insist that FDR’s New Deal made The Great Depression worse. These are the same folks who label Herbert Hoover an “activist.”
“SPAMALOT” KNIGHTHOOD is bestowed upon Barack Obama who revealed to reporters that, on his holiday trip to Hawaii, he would indulge in one of his favorite foods: Spam sushi. This disclosure outraged both food connoisseurs and Right Wing whack-jobs who saw their “he’s a secret Muslim” attack plan defeated by a porcine taste-bud treat.
THE “WE’VE LOST OUR MITTENS” AWARD goes to former Republican presidential candidate and full-time hack Mitt Romney who based his campaign on the threat of “jihadists” and “Islamofascism” to stateside Christian values. A Mormon Church spokesman, Michael Purdy, explained Romney’s paranoia. “We believe that Christ will return again to the Earth, and while that day is not imminent, it is our responsibility to prepare for that eventuality. One appearance will be to the new Jerusalem and another will be to the Jerusalem of the old world,” he said. “It is our belief that the new Jerusalem will be established within the state of Missouri.” No comment from the raccoon of Turin.
THE “THERE GOES MY BABY” AWARD goes to George W. Bush who, when earlier in the year, was informed that 79% of Americans wanted the next president to be the anti-Bush, stated: “What am I supposed to do, go into a fetal position because of your polls?” It would have been a good start.
THE “JUSTICE IS BLIND AND DEAF AND REALLY, REALLY DUMB” GAG ORDER is awarded to Supreme Court Justice Antonin “Noodles” Scalia who ruminated to the BBC about his take on torture. “Is it really so easy to determine that smacking someone in the face to determine where he has hidden the bomb that is about to blow up Los Angeles is prohibited in the constitution? - It would be absurd to say you couldn’t, I don’t know, stick something under the fingernail, smack him in the face. It would be absurd to say you couldn’t do that.” He later claimed that he didn’t like the final season of “The Sopranos” because it wasn’t violent enough.
THE “YOUR FREUDIAN SLIP IS SHOWING” ACCESSORIZING PRIZE goes to Mitt Romney who, on the stump, stated: “My mom made pancakes every single morning at our house. MY WIFE! I called her my MOM. My WIFE.” His wife later shoved him off the stump and hit him with it.
THE “PANTS SUIT OF STEEL” AWARD is given to Hillary Clinton who, while in the presidential race, re-imagined a trip to Bosnia when she was First Lady in bullet-biting terms that a subscriber to “Guns and Ammo” would have loved. It turned out to be a lie. On the plus side, Sylvester Stallone has optioned the story for his next Rambo film.
THE “WAR IS SWELL” PRIZE goes to President George W. Bush who, without a trace of irony (or intellect), told troops during a teleconference: “I must say, I’m a little envious. If I were slightly younger and not employed here, I think it would be a fantastic experience to be on the front lines of helping this young democracy succeed. It must be exciting for you – in some ways romantic, in some ways, you know, confronting danger. You’re really making history, and thanks.” After the call, he went off to stalk a pretzel with a bayonet.
THE “MERRY CHRISTMAS! WAR IS OVER!” MEDAL OF VALOR is given to the top three TV networks for pulling their full-time Iraq reporters out of the country.
THE “BIGGUS DICKUS” PROFILES IN DEMENTIA AWARD goes to Dick Cheney. He began the year with an interview where he was told that two-thirds of the country thought the Iraq invasion was a colossal screw-up. He replied with: “So?” He ended the year, ruminating on the fact that he’s as popular as an anal wart. “I don’t have any idea” why. If nothing else, he’s consistent.
THE “WHO COULD’VE SEEN IT COMING?” CRYSTAL BALL is awarded to the Bush financial team. The following is a series of headlines that appeared in a single week in February. “Recession fears rise on more job cuts.” “Fed takes new steps to boost cash for banks.” “World markets slide as US economy groans.” “Housing market spirals, no end in sight.” “Consumer confidence at lowest since 2002.” “Studies: Iraq costs US $12B per month.” “Gas prices rise to new national record.” “Consumers increased their borrowing by $6.9 billion in January.” “Bush says no recession in sight.”
THE “JUNGLE FEVER” WASHCLOTH is tossed at Fox pollster Frank Luntz who, after a Clinton-Obama debate asked his control group, “How many of you want them to make love to each other?” He then went home and watched the film “Mandingo” with a can of Reddi Wip.
THE “I THINK, THEREFORE I AIN’T” TIN WHISTLE goes to ever vigilant broadcast barnacle Michael Savage who, pondering the existence of Obama, offered: “We have a right to know if he’s a so-called friendly Muslim or one who aspires to more radical teachings.”
THE “WHO WOULD JESUS PISS ON?” PRIZE is nailed by Southern Carolina Pastor Roger Byrd, who posted this message on a sign outside his church. “Obama, Osama, Hmmmm, are they brothers?” Hmmmm. Byrd? Turd? Separated at birth?
THE GOP BIG (PLANTATION?) SLAVE QUARTERS MEDAL is hung around the neck of Rep. Geoff David (KY) who, after calling Obama “a snake oil salesman,” added, “That boy’s finger does not need to be on the (nuclear) button.” He later said his use of the word “boy” was not meant to be offensive. He meant to say “pickaninny.”
THE “SCHOOL IS OUT … OF THE CLOSET” AWARD goes to the religious zealots who voted for the anti-gay marriage Proposition 8 in California. They feared that “Gay Marriage” would be taught in schools, presumably after “Tranny Trig” but before “Gender Bender Geometry.” On a somewhat related note, a recent study showed that the “Virginity Pledges” taken by Christian youths doesn’t stop them diddling with danger. In fact, the “saved” are prone to use condoms less than the Hell-bent and engage in oral and manual sex more. Fundamentalism. Takes a licking but keeps on ticking.
THE “KEEP YOUR EYES ON HIS BALLS” TROPHY goes to John McCain who sold sacks of golf balls on his web site but didn’t take into account the wave of satisfied “customers” who would post their testimonials. “The Golf Pack is great,” wrote one, “but when are you going to offer a Joe Lieberman Certified McCain Ballwasher?” “I LOVE it!” declared a customer named Gramps. “I appreciate the compartment for my soiled Depends.”
THE “SOMETHING IN MOUTH” DISEASE AWARD goes to bathroom stall stalwart Senator Larry Craig who, fuming over the high price of gas, declared on the Senate floor, that he was sick of foreigners who “jerk us around by the gas nozzle.” He allegedly amended the statement later, stating that he meant to say he enjoyed it.
THE “BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE A MOOD ELEVATOR” BEGGING BOWL is thrown at Senator Phil Gramm (Cracker) who, as a McCain economics expert, intoned: “You’ve heard of mental depression; this is mental recession. We have sort of become a nation of whiners.” He later sat down to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” and root for the banker.
THE GOP BIG (SLAVE QUARTERS?) HANGING TREE DESIGNER SHEET SET goes to such party bastions as the white guy who was arrested in Louisiana for threatening election officials for not sending him a voter registration card fast enough because he had to “keep the nigger out of office” and the sweet little old lady Sarah Palin supporter who, at a rally in Ohio, declared: “I’m afraid if he (Obama) wins, the blacks will take over.” I see CDs coming their way from Chip Saltsman.
THE “SARAH PALIN IN A NUTSHELL” AWARD is given to David Letterman who noted: “To improve her foreign policy experience, she recently went to the International House of Pancakes.”
THE “GREAT AMERICAN PIG-OUT” PRIZE goes to the Republican Party who, over eight weeks, spent $68,400 for Sarah Palin’s makeup artist, $42,000 for her hair stylist and over $150,000 on clothing. Swill, baby, swill! You betcha.
And, finally, THE DIRTY, ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS AWARD goes to the Bush Administration; the biggest collection of lying, corrupt, ideology-driven, callous, immoral, uncaring, arrogant, factually ignorant, pompous, preening clowns ever to befoul Washington. May your heads always be targeted by Buster Brown and Tige.
Condolences to the runners-up: the bankers, Wall Street wizards and captains of Industry who destroyed the American economy through sheer greed. You never literally bombed innocent civilians, so you missed by inches.
Until next year, boys and girls – WTF?
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